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January 11, 2012

RUEZ Performance Underwear Review and Giveaway (And a Fun Little Name Game)

A couple of administrative notes before today’s post …

Thanks for the great response to the Merrell Road Glove review and giveaway. You’ve still got a couple of days to enter, so if you haven’t done so already, go over there and throw your name in the hat.

While you’re there, scroll through a few of the comments; when I mentioned that you could leave any fool comment you like, quite a few people took me literally – which is awesome. A few of the comments made me laugh - which is always a good thing – and the notion of creative commenting gives me an idea for today’s post, which also happens to be another contest.

Today’s offering is another “males only” product, which makes two giveaways in a row where the women have been left out. Fear not, ladies – I’ll make it up to you. I have a review and giveaway for Merrell’s female-specific road shoe scheduled in the next month or so, and I’ll rig another contest next week so that only females are eligible. So there – are we still friends?

As I mentioned above, today’s contest is for the boys: in the literal sense, since it’s a product designed just for men, but also in the figurative sense, because, well … it’s made to protect your boys.

RUEZ underwear ... on a model that's NOT me.  I've mentioned it's my off-season, right?

Yes, that’s a euphemism for male private parts, and if you’re wondering where I got the idea, look no further than the e-mail I received from a marketer representing RUEZ performance underwear. These are actual excerpts from her description of the product:

The company’s founder created RUEZ to address one very specific problem: package chafing.

He’s designed RUEZ with two layers on the front panel. The one closest to the skin (which is made from a wicking compression material) holds the family jewels in place.

A strategically positioned hole separates and protects your joystick.

The founder is a serious innovator with a HUGE … sense of humor.

You get the idea. And all this is without even mentioning the name of the company, which could apparently be pronounced “Are you easy?” (although according to the website it isn’t) while addressing all the benefits in store for your package.

So clearly, the company and its founder, Chris Varney, have a clever sense of humor. It was enough for me to give RUEZ a test drive and see how they compared to other performance underwear I’ve used.

RUEZ briefs feel something like a thin swimsuit instead of cottony underwear, using a neoprene-like 85% polyester fabric instead of the more cottony material of other wicking underwear. It also has 15% elastic for some slight compression that does indeed keep things in place, and both the interior and outer surfaces are silky smooth, which, um … feels nice.

The main feature of RUEZ is the performance pouch, an extra layer of wicking fabric in front of the briefs, which could potentially be used as a storage area if there’s something you wanted to stash there. While stuffing the front of my shorts might me look a little more impressive from a distance, the notion of actually carrying anything down there that I’d be touching with my fingers later was a bit more than I cared to try.

Actual size of your banana may vary

The interior layer also has a notch cut out of it, in case you want to separate your banana from your berries. This might be beneficial in the summer when the weather gets warm, but for me, the main benefit of the pouch is that there’s an additional layer of insulation and protection from cold winter air. In the summertime, I’ll just use the regular lining of my running shorts, but for cold-weather situations RUEZ definitely provides improved insulation compared to other brands I own.

RUEZ come in boxer or brief versions, both of which feature the performance pouch. They’re available for purchase on the RUEZ website – the briefs retail for $28, and the boxers are $30.

Another dude who's not me ... and I suspect he might have a stuffed pouch.

Of course, we’re doing a giveaway contest here, so one person will receive a pair of boxers and another pair of briefs for himself when this review is all said and done. However, in keeping with the creativity of the previous comment thread and the humor of the RUEZ company, I’m adding a twist to this giveaway – and before I explain it, I have to describe a conversation that took place between my wife, son, and me about a year or two ago.

We were having one of those “coming of age” talks and discussing some of the language he was starting to hear at school when the topic turned to slang terms for the male sex organ. I started rattling a dozen or so off the top of my head - some of which my wife hadn’t heard before – and when I continued on, we had the following exchange:

Wife: How many slang terms do you think there are for that?

Me: At least a hundred. Probably more.

Wife: You’ve got to be kidding.

I wasn’t kidding – and here’s your chance to prove my case. To enter the contest for two free pairs of RUEZ underwear, leave a comment below this post with a slang term for that piece of anatomy. Consider it a game of Name That Junk. Here’s the catch: you can’t use a term that’s already been used by a previous commenter – or for that matter, in this post.  If your term is already on the list, you're disqualified.  So “package” is out, as are boys, family jewels, joystick, banana, berries, junk … and come to think of it, let's take “performance pouch” off the list as well.  Obviously the earlier your enter, the easier the task is, but I can't imagine there's going to be a shortage of options out there.

Here’s your chance to crack me up, fellas. Ladies, feel free to play along as well – maybe you can win your man a nice little reward. The winner will be announced this Saturday night. Thanks very much to RUEZ for sponsoring this contest, and good luck to all the boys out there!

*Product provided by RUEZ.
**See other product reviews on sidebar at right. If you have a product you’d like reviewed, contact me at info@runningandrambling.com.

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Joe 1/11/12, 9:56 PM  

Greatest post ever.

Joe 1/11/12, 9:56 PM  

(see what I did there?)

Kurt 1/12/12, 4:21 AM  

Benny and the jets

Emily 1/12/12, 4:23 AM  

Meat and two veg? :)

Anthony Bunt 1/12/12, 4:51 AM  

(specifically when you find you've accidentally popped through that little hole in the front of the garment)

xJOSHx 1/12/12, 4:54 AM  

Sausage and meatballs

Guigou,  1/12/12, 5:30 AM  


Richard 1/12/12, 5:31 AM  

minivan with two flat tires

Blake 1/12/12, 5:41 AM  

One-eyed trouser snake

David 1/12/12, 5:51 AM  

Wilfred Brimley

Adam B. 1/12/12, 6:02 AM  

Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger!

Cody 1/12/12, 6:27 AM  

The Ginger Monster. Look out, he spits.

JonathanD 1/12/12, 6:47 AM  

one eyed wonder weasel

Ty 1/12/12, 7:02 AM  

In for a pair.

JimDog 1/12/12, 7:10 AM  


I've heard "Jimmy Hat" for a condom several times...and the fact that my name is actually "Jimi" doesn't help. :-(

Abraham,  1/12/12, 7:23 AM  

I've heard "Carrot"

George Carlin used to say "Waxing his carrot"

Two contests at once, I'm excited.

jeff 1/12/12, 7:35 AM  

wedding tackle

migangelo 1/12/12, 7:41 AM  

and for good measure "pito" (spanish)

Josh 1/12/12, 8:22 AM  

Mike and Ike's

Nate 1/12/12, 8:41 AM  

Frank and Beans

Anonymous,  1/12/12, 9:01 AM  

El Chupacabras
and Krull

Alex R

Colin S.,  1/12/12, 9:21 AM  

Grapes. And that would make the type of underwear you're giving away..."grape smugglers".

Jason 1/12/12, 9:22 AM  
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jason 1/12/12, 9:24 AM  

I really hope I win after having my boss see me looking at the banana pic

Chris Varney 1/12/12, 9:25 AM  

Pilot in the Cock Pit...
(can't win...just want to play!)

Benjammin' 1/12/12, 9:38 AM  
This comment has been removed by the author.
DH,  1/12/12, 9:39 AM  

Plum Smugglers, Reuz now has a colored version!

Benjammin' 1/12/12, 9:40 AM  

"vein laden, blood engorged, meat mashing, cunt crashing, COCK" per Andrew Dice Clay

Jen Small 1/12/12, 10:22 AM  

Twig 'n berries

first post in a while where I read each comment

the banana shot is great!!
a bunch of dailymile friends just loved these too!!

Chris 1/12/12, 10:52 AM  

Wife's best friend.

Jeff Gallup 1/12/12, 10:56 AM  

Heat seeking moisture missile

Kevin 1/12/12, 11:05 AM  

two turntables and a microphone!

Anonymous,  1/12/12, 11:16 AM  


Newt,  1/12/12, 12:22 PM  

Skin Boat

Tyler S 1/12/12, 12:30 PM  

Per my Minnesota fishing roots: the one-eyed walleye.

Andy 1/12/12, 1:00 PM  

The weekend long run!

As in..."It's always good to put in a good weekend long run!"

I was going to say "The Donald", but I thought that might be "pandering to the blogger"...which is a euphemism for something else...

Come to think of it "The Blogger" is a good one too!

P.S. So, At the end of this contest when you thank everyone for all the "fun posts," will that be considered an entry too?

Jeff 1/12/12, 1:07 PM  


How about an ad that says "Hey ladies, care to climb the Alpe d'Ruez?"

Darin S.,  1/12/12, 1:16 PM  

Varney's Blarney & Stones

Andrew in TX,  1/12/12, 1:56 PM  

Giggle Stick

Nic,  1/12/12, 2:02 PM  

Captain Kirk - "Boldly going where no man has gone before"

matt 1/12/12, 2:15 PM  

My dingaling

Thanks chuck berry...

drunkmonckey 1/12/12, 2:42 PM  

The Wonder from Down Under or as my friends say, "Little (insert your own name here)"

Ed 1/12/12, 2:45 PM  

Twig and giggle berries....

JAM 1/12/12, 2:45 PM  

"The Skin Flute" Play me for a jingle!

Anonymous,  1/12/12, 2:56 PM  

It's always good to keep a 'dick'tionary around for just such an occasion. One might just need a different identity on various occasions for the 'little soldier'. One thing I do know, it's best to have it straight up, not on the rocks and most certainly never with a twist. At least that's how I like my 'goodie packages'.

Anonymous,  1/12/12, 4:17 PM  

Mypod :)

stephan.uzzell 1/12/12, 5:57 PM  

My wife refers to it as my "stuff"

Bryan M,  1/12/12, 7:29 PM  

Beaver Pleaser

Gretchen 1/12/12, 8:55 PM  

So what you've implied there is that when it's NOT your off-season, you could be mistaken for the guy in the photos. I'm not going to forget that.

This reminds me of when I used to teach 7th grade life science and we covered human biology and reproduction. Hilarious! The boys were particularly fond of the term "Mr. Happy." HA!

Thom 1/12/12, 9:04 PM  

the hooded assassin

Juls 1/12/12, 10:47 PM  

Just because this is too much fun to pass up...my sons like to poke fun at each other by referring to the other's privates as "needle" and "pencil"

wattage 1/13/12, 3:12 AM  


In Quebec it's called "La graine"

Take care

Les 1/13/12, 4:04 AM  

Down Under (Australia) we refer to brief swimsuits as budgie smugglers, so maybe the contents of RUEZ briefs should be called "cockatoos".

lostinacrowd 1/13/12, 6:25 AM  


Not to be confused with Wanginator...

Fred Garderes 1/13/12, 8:23 AM  

For the day you run UTMB (in my birth country), you will find this handy: Zigounette!
(pronounce zee-goo-net)

Over here, I have heard "juice pistol" once

JJMarshall,  1/13/12, 8:25 AM  

The Shipping and Receiving Department

Rob Smith 1/13/12, 9:39 AM  

great post by the way!! on the other hand, comfort down there is no joking matter: after the last marathon i ran for some reason in triathlon shorts, i had to walk like john wayne for a week. and it wasn't because of DOMS...

paiNn3ck 1/13/12, 1:17 PM  

Used to call it Stanley (like the power tool...)

Now its usually the Running Man (and his bag of nuts)... and then you have to do the dance.

Robb 1/13/12, 1:50 PM  

Funny nobody has used this one... I guess not many runners also read fantasy novels (like Game of Thrones)...

my "manhood".

CWH 1/13/12, 3:17 PM  

mama's masher

Chris Varney 1/13/12, 3:45 PM  

Little brain

My wife had no idea there was this many as well.....having fun with this!

And make sure you put Jim AND "the twins" in the pouch.
Happy Friday all.

Greg from Madison,  1/13/12, 4:42 PM  


emwins 1/13/12, 5:34 PM  

Seems like a good place to place a pecker.

aristheo 1/14/12, 1:10 AM  

magic stick (like in the 50 Cent song)

AttyHolmes007 1/14/12, 7:18 AM  

Thunder and lightening!!

Mark G. Davis 1/14/12, 1:34 PM  

Long dong silver pants... I guess I want to win?

ap 1/14/12, 4:45 PM  

"It's called the Octagon. I also named my testies; the left one is James Westfall & the right one is Dr. Kenneth Noisewater."
If Anchorman isn't an authority on these things, what is?

Nicole 1/14/12, 5:14 PM  

love muscle....

TK42ONE 1/16/12, 3:54 PM  

Devil's Thumb. Wanna thumb wrestle?

Oh, and a side note. Are you supposed to put just the banana in there or your plums too? Maybe because I'm smuggling grapes instead of plums but everything fits in my pouch.

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